Post by ramone on Mar 13, 2019 16:26:18 GMT -8
To be honest, I can't believe I fell for my daydreams. I seriously believed that they will take me into extraordinary life situations, whether it's traveling or relationships. Only trouble is, they were never real in the first place. I think when I was a kid, I actually put my daydreams in black and white. When really, I was effecting absolutely everyone around me to an extent they didn't like me. My family and peers even became very concerned about me. I wasn't listening up, explaining myself out loud, nor was aware of my surrounding environment. Important life steps were coming up, such as college and career, and I didn't take anything seriously and even pay attention.
When I completed secondary school, I felt so much freedom, and believed life was a big adventure where I could be whoever I wanted and do whatever I wanted. Instead of being discreet that I needed to get a job to cover expenses and get through University to find out what career matched my abilities, and take on a successful and decent waged career. I didn't seem to get the idea of survival and how important its was to make money. All I ever did was live in my head at most times.
Overtime, I expected a steady relationship to happen, which eventually never materialized. I couldn't seem to realize that people were judging me from the outside and could easily tell that I wasn't exactly with them, especially when I wasn't listening to their sentences. Wherever I worked, took up course and went on trips, I noticed anybody I was with was getting frustrated with my reluctance to be verbally expressive. Some of them noticed how dazed or deep in thought my eyes looked and wondered if everything was really Ok. Overtime, I just remembered so many people trying to get through to me, as if they couldn't figure out where I really was at that very moment. To them I appeared so deadpan, unsmiling and quiet, and they wondered if I even liked them.
As for traveling, I still haven't reached my goals. Don't even ask about traveling to other countries, because I'm still not there yet, and not without a partner. When I
was doing MDD, my head was so preoccupied and my vision was dazed out, as if I was drunk. Loud music and vivid imagery took over my judgement on real life. I
began forgetting my belongings in malls, libraries, restaurants and when commuting. A woman even called after me when I left my debit card in the instant teller, and she looked at me like I was nuts. I left my a surprise birthday present at a convention center and I left my purse behind at home, while driving out to return an item at the store. My mom got so furious and started yelling at me, she even asked if I was insane. When it got to driving, I never got my license. My dad was taking me on test drives, but I made very stupid mistakes on the road, and he starting bickering me, asking me where my head was. So for the next 12 years, I simply took a bus, a Go train and went everywhere else on foot.
Working onsite with people was practically a nightmare. Nearly all of my managers didn't like having me on board overtime. The customers I was helping were either rude, impatient or mean, especially when they came to know me. Some of them have even witnessed my daydreaming. I did relatively well in some of my jobs, but when it came to absorbing information, being warm and friendly around people and working very fast, I wasn't very good. This got me in trouble in several positions and I was told to work in an office, because they found me so introvert. So now I'm my own entrepreneur in the field of graphic design and I work directly online at home on my Apple desktop, where nobody can see me all day.
So, when doing MDD, I forgot to realize that people observe you by your body language and facial expressions. They will take when your not socially friendly, career oriented and in a good fit for a relationship. They will see that your "somewhere else" and this will give them a great impression of you. They will just go onto other people who are healthy, alive and interested in them.